It’s a difficult communication style to emulate, especially when its not very compatible to your natural style.

There is also a very real risk of it becoming very bad for your mental health to the point where you want to kys… because you can lose track of the real you while trying to chase acceptance from people who are inclined to reject you based on surface-level, emotionally-driven judgments.

So here’s what you do. 99% of people you don’t want to put your energy into. You are searching for rare, high-quality individuals who make their relationship judgments based on character rather than persona.

The rest aren’t worth your time. That’s not to imply they are worthless or bad people, but you will waste your energy and self esteem trying to build connections that wont work. Find the people who are actually awesome, you won’t need to fake anything.

Being in my mid-forties I have concluded that it is far more rewarding to find fellow non-NTs to spend time with, because they understand the pain that is NTs and their usually unreflected reliance on their gut-feeling (which happens to tell them that we are “other”). In school I hung out at a Star Trek Fan meetup, later it became the Chaos Computer Club and Mensa; All of these were full of delightfully inclusive fellow freaks. Find your people instead of trying to please those who merely happen to be around.

You can’t fake being social. It’s not something people think about doing, it’s a natural expression. It’s our bodies doing body things together. When you’re imitating, you’re not really engaging on this level, and they can feel that. It feels dangerous, suspicious, and not social.

It is better to just be naturally weird rather than to try to imitate what other people do. If you are presenting a mask, even if you are successful, they are STILL not socializing with you, developing a relationship with you; they are developing a relationship with the fake person you are pretending to be! It sucks for everyone!

A mask is for your protection and comfort when you can’t deal with stuff. It’s in the way when you are trying to engage with people socially, which is quite a different thing. If you are trying to get through class without social engagements, mask up. If you are trying to make a friend, be weird.

There’s no script for social interactions. Most people do masking subconsciously because there’s so many things that neueotypicals look for, e.g. body language, facial expressions, micro movements, and how all of them fit together.

You’d need to be superhuman to emulate all of that consciously.

I’m so sorry you have to actively play a part to do this. Usually I always had like 1 friend I can depend on and nowadays when I wanna join friend groups, I still depend on that one friend and then just hang out for a while, before actually interacting.

Turns out, if you just observe and mirror the bigger things, like laughing at their jokes, or looking engaged when they tell stories or similar, you slowly build up trust and connection.

Just remember, it takes time to join a social circle and there’s an immense number of setbacks, that you kind of just have to deal with.

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this

Ugh, being the outcast at school… I’m sorry you’re going through this, but rest assured you’re not alone.

There are heaps of unspoken social rules, especially at schools and even more so in your teens. Personally I think that’s the most difficult phase of life socially, and being neurodivergent just amplifies that.

It takes time to find people you can get along with. I would recommend looking for any group activities that involve something you’re interested in - often it is easier to meet and start to get to know someone when you’re doing something together.

Some other thoughts:

• Most conversations start with some kind of greeting and courtesy “how are you”. This is rarely a real question; it’s basically the social equivalent of a TCP handshake (if you’re into IT) for establishing communication. They’re expecting a very short, brief answer without details (e.g. “Yeah, not bad”, “Doing great”, “Ugh, lousy day, how was yours?”) that they can either echo or offer a short response to before moving on with the conversation. Exceptions to this are things like a family member being seriously ill or passing away, major life changes (starting a job, starting a relationship with someone, etc.) where, if you’re talking with a friend, it should be mentioned so that they have the opportunity to respond.
• Try to be concise / brief when responding to questions or adding to the conversation. For NTs, social conversations are mostly about talking with the other people involved and spending time with them, not about the transfer of information. It can be really tempting to add everything you know about subject X to the conversation, but most of the time the NT participants are only expecting a sentence or two in response.
• Ask people about themselves and what interests them (most people like to talk about themselves, apparently). This will also help you identify what topics people like to talk about.

It takes time.

I first noticed other people looking for eye contact in 7th grade. Add that to your mask first.

Next, you likely can’t express excitement “normally,” but it’s fairly easy to fake aloofness. Be chill.

Finally, listen more than you talk. Most people love talking. If they feel like you’re really listening to them, they’ll want to talk to you.

I started making my mask in middle school, but honestly it was probably halfway through high school before it felt like a “normal” person. Even then, and now 30 or so years later, it takes effort. It feels like I’m faking it a lot, and I guess that’s because I am. But my boss just complimented my personal skills, so faking it IS it.

Keep pretending. Keep noticing what the “normals” are doing and work to imitate it. Not overtly. Just be a little quiet, chime in when you have something, and practice. And you’ll notice even when you’re trying to blend in, you’ll likely attract other neurodivergent people that will make up your core friend group.

I’ve noticed that some people react badly if you contribute to a conversation that they don’t consider you to have been invited to. They think of it as eavesdropping, even when it’s more of a case of happening to overhear while you were doing something else nearby, or feeling like you made it pretty obvious that you were standing there and they always had the option to stop talking if the topic was private.

It might be better to approach people directly when they’re not already talking to someone else (like if you’re two of the first people to arrive for class), or start with conversations about schoolwork for a class you’re both in, or choose someone who’s wearing something that signals a shared interest (like a band, movie franchise or video game) and tell them it looks cool.

There are also some people who love to feel helpful, and they’ll talk to you if you straight up ask them for help with something small, like finding a particular classroom. You can generally spot these people because they go in for jobs like junior librarian or peer mentor even though they don’t get paid.

As someone who never had any friends in school, my personal recommendation is make friends based on your interests (whether in person or online) and then keep to yourself the rest of the time. Expending effort to try to fit in both drains you and is immediately noticeable to others so it has little merit.

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