One of my children is questioning their gender, and they seem at ease with non-binary. I found this out yesterday, so I’m approaching this gently, though I feel ill-prepared. I want to be who they need.
I’m curious about the experiences of other parents, or stories about your parents learning to adjust if you came out to them.
Follow-up: Thank you all so much for your stories and your feedback!
“Hi gay, I’m dad”
When my daughter came out as gay to me I was so happy she’d fallen for her best friend. I love them both like daughters. Screw lazy men, they are so happy together.
When my son came out as a trans woman I was ecstatic that they’d realised what was making them so anxious and depressed, boobs suit her :) Just be supportive they need it so much. It doesn’t change who they are, your child.
One of my close friends came out as gay to me in highschool and I said “I know? Everyone knows. Well, everyone except you, apparently.” and nothing changed between us. I don’t advise the first part of it, even if everyone did know, but the second applies - start using their new pronouns and otherwise continue on as normal. That’s all they want, for their gender to be respected and to not be treated as different or strange for it.
Cis-het with a dash of bi here.
When I was younger I was terrified I might be gay. Not because my parents would disown me but because of all the social hooblah it would bring my way.
However I feel like I’d be less worried about that today vs couple decades ago.
TLDR its nice that society has become more accepting.
My reaction to other family/friends coming out: “Fuck yea!”
My reaction if my kids come out: “Fuck yea!”
Not at all. Im bisexual myself and have a gay nonbinary partner. Botz also very neruodivergent. Soooo it wouldnt be any change for us lol
But if you’re looking for advice, dont do like my parents and do not aknowledge it at all. I did “silent outing” as in i just dropped hints here and there. And dont assume they are gay and then say “i know you’re gay” while in a fighting argument with them. Ask them or even better just say “no matter who you’re attracted to, we will always love you and be there for you”.
The way I always saw it was “ok? If we are shifting names or pronouns, just let me know. If you need ideas I’ve got a few you can reject but other than that, it changes literally nothing. You are still you and if this makes you happy that’s all I can ask for.” At least that’s what I generally mean. Usually I’ll just say ok and ask if they’re hungry or something
Sadly not all parents are like that :(
The world would be a better place if they were
Though funny enought without both our parents being bad, me and my partner wouldnt have met nore bonded :)
Love through trauma bond is a tale as old as time
Hi! My youngest is a trans guy, so at this point I am an older parent (mid 50s). They had to literally come out to me because my idea of acceptable womanhood is so wide the fact that they dressed like a 40 year old butch lesbian in high school did not make me think anything, nor the binder, both the youngest 2 do that and both prefer girls, so I just figured both were gay. It is funny he just figured I’d be happy, since I only spawned girls, to have one be a boy. You are right that kids are lasseiz-faire about it.
I did have definite anxiety around this, much more than the kids do, they just find it normal to choose. The state took away underage people’s choice on hormones so there was enough time for me to feel more settled, and we talked a lot about the medical side. He is lucky in build, I am tall for a lady, with gentle not dramatic curves, a more androgynous build and he got that (my tallest kid! Only one taller than me!) so could pass before doing any hormones, it was less urgent than it might have been if he read more girly in body type.
Now he is 19, which puts it even more firmly in the territory of not my business.
You are most welcome to message me if you want to.
Great example in my opinion.
Wonder how the hell I got a kid in the first place
Told my wife she owed me 5 bucks from the bet.
To having a child? Not…well.
Gay (I’m including bi here)? Kinda 🤷 despite my background. There’s no immorality nor ideological confusion/whim behind it: some guys just come out liking men, some girls just come out liking women.
Trans, NB and other “gender identities”? I would pray they grow out of it, that it’s just a phase and not a casualty of the newest form of Western degeneracy/ideological degradation, and I’d feel like I failed a little (although I’d still know it’s mostly the rotten, truth-denying culture I raised my kid in). I’ll make an exception for effeminate sons and masculine daughters, as long as that’s what you define yourself as (and you’re not simultaneously denying but also aspiring to change sexual categories). And I’m just answering the question and being truthful here, not “hating”, btw… I might be wrong in my understanding of things, after all.
I’d say “good luck, be strong”, but it seems like you’ve got this. 👍
If your username didn’t already give me pause, your reply here would have. Yikes.
What exactly do you think is so bizarre and shocking about either my username or my post? Try to see it from a non-European/Western perspective (around 90% of the world) that isn’t limited to the last two decades.
If you have kids, please read a book about gender. If you don’t, please also read one.
not “hating”, btw
That’s really not the point. If someone steps on your foot, it still hurts, even if it was unintentional.
The entire notion of gender at this point means less than nothing… “sex” used to be the word and category we used and, since it still has some physical, objective feel to it, it’s less used in current Western conversation. But if you’re willing to recommend a book that says something and isn’t just “aspirational” and based on nothing but wind and wishes, I’m open to it.
And I understand, of course this conversation will hurt at least one group of people because it puts into question their ideology, upon which they probably have built a whole identity and even taken some irreversible physical steps towards becoming who they feel they are… I didn’t say it to “cover my ass” because I know how I feel, I said it to inform the LGBTQ+ folks here that they don’t need to feel like yet another person hates them.
Honestly, a little shocked. Only because I would be also be discovering that I’m a parent.
Funny! But not useful. Kind of a shame it’s the top comment
People really don’t know when its appropriate to joke around. I guess the [serious] tag thing, that is (was?) in use in /r/askreddit should be thing here as well.
Occasional jokes in a topic filled with mostly serious answers is not problematic, especially ones that aren’t at the expense of anyone else. I think the joke was appropriate. Especially on a platform that is lucky to get 30+ comments on a post, it being top comment is not going to overshadow the others. Most people can read all of the comments in a few minutes anyway.
I’ve experienced the other side of this. I know my mother had a hard time at first, and for a while she was mourning me, which was weird to experience, but eventually she realized I’m still the same person and I’m just being more myself.
My best advice is to listen to them. My mother was very convinced it was a phase for years and wouldn’t let me take hormones despite the very many times I tried to prove to her it’s not. Eventually she agreed and after my first appointment she told me she’d never seen me that happy since I was a little kid.
(Not every trans person wants to medically transition and that’s okay too. That’s why I say to listen to them. They know what they want and have probably put a lot of thought into it already.)
Similar situation: I’ve switched from saying “daughter” and “sister” to “child” and sibling. I’m not perfect at it yet and it doesn’t even appear that important to them, but I’m trying.
Most of us care. We might not react or cause drama, but even if your loved ones don’t care much, you could make someone’s day if they find out that you are a supportive parent that is trying to be sensitive.
