Yeah, what the title says.
When I try to explain to friends or family how difficult it makes things in a relationship when one person (me) has ADHD they never get it and I often get the impression they think my wife is overreacting.
I understand that they want to support me but they aren’t helping, it just makes me angry. I know that it’s not all my fault but I want them to understand what a mental and emotional burden it can be to be the partner of an ADHD-person. Even when I tell them that our problems are typical for ADHD-partnerships, that everything I’ve read about it tell exactly the same story that we have been going through, it doesn’t really make an impression and I want to scream at them “please for fuck’s sake believe what I’m telling you!!”
Ugh.
Edit: Looking at the comments and reading my post again I feel like I should have phrased it differently:
What bothers me is not that people don’t get how much I struggle with ADHD. What bothers me is that they can’t seem to comprehend how mentally and emotionally draining it can be to be the partner of someone with ADHD and seem to have very little understanding or sympathy for my partner. And that makes me so mad because everyone seems to think I’m this great person and my wife must be overreacting.
In typical ADHD style I wrote out a whole essay and decided instead, just to post this:
There is a point where you have to decide if it really matters.
Is the goal just to make them understand or do you need them to provide you with other support that only they can provide?
I also had a lot of trouble with both sets of parents.
I tried using examples of their own past behaviours and experiences. Things that had happened to their friends.
This worked somewhat. I don’t think I’ll ever make them fully understand.
Btw, I suspect my parents, my wife’s parents and extended family all have ADHD.
On another note:
There is a chance your wife has ADHD as well, just different behaviours. It might be that there are things you do, that really trigger her.
I thought I was the normal person with the adhd wife. There was a strong hidden reason we got together and stayed together. It didn’t become clear until later.
Thank you for your replying <3
After reading the comments I went back and read my post and realized I didn’t get my point across. The thing that bothers me isn’t that I don’t get enough sympathy for my own struggle. What bothers me is that when I tell people “my ADHD has been eroding our marriage” everyone seems to be low-key (or not so low-key) assuming that my partner must be overreacting because it can’t be THAT bad. They think I’m just a bit more chaotic than most people and my partner must be overly sensitive.
Obviously I’m not you, so will never fully understand your situation, but from my own experience, I can see why your in a very tough spot.
Even with all the work that me and my wife have done, there are still days that we get to each other. That one of us is at their most hyper or the other at a real low/overwhelmed state, unwilling to do anything but curl up in bed. Each ignoring our own bodies, either because we are too focused on something or don’t want to/can’t move.
Medication is a temporary fix for some or perhaps one symptom of ADHD.
Other people really won’t understand unless they’ve lived in our heads for a short while.
I would be very annoyed as well that my problems were being dismissed and discounted.
Thanks for this advice. You seem to have figured a lot of stuff out
Thanks, I do spend a lot of time overthinking.
Now and again I come up with something that works. I still from time to time just want to run away from everything.
I wouldn’t say I figured a lot out, but what has really helped is having a partner who understands my triggers, and what triggers her.
For example, perhaps one of us is in a heated conversation and our voice is starting to raise. The other will make a visual signal, or gently touch a shoulder or hand. To bring awareness that things are heading in the wrong direction.
Often we will simply avoid certain situations altogether. Or find other mitigations. Like wearing Loops (ear things that block out some sounds). Take fidget toys, sweets etc.
Really, we just spend a lot of time talking to each other about what makes us each individually angry, uncomfortable, anxious. Then try to change our behaviour. At the very least attempt to make very small steps to soften this that grate each other.
We were both in several really bad relationships. The main takeaway was, don’t let things stew. It is really hard, but talk about things asap. Perhaps the hardest thing is finding someone who is willing to listen and share as well, and not react badly.
In many ways this sort of relationship stuff is far more logic than emotion.
Often just talking and the other person listening (and not giving any solutions, just sympathy) is enough.
With that all being said, take this with a huge bucket of salt. This is advice from a compete stranger. Search around for other opinions. Just don’t ask Chatgpt.
I hear yeah. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard “Why don’t you just (obvious solution)?”
I honestly don’t know why I don’t just. But I don’t, and probably won’t start.
The road to Hell is indeed paved with good intentions.
I suspect that people may have a hard time integrating what you are telling them because they can’t relate to the experience. I know what I personally do is try to find experiences in my life that help me understand what a person is feeling. Maybe an opportunity to help them work through a similar process will occur to help them “get it”.
Thank you for your replying <3
After reading the comments I went back and read my post and realized I didn’t get my point across. The thing that bothers me isn’t that I don’t get enough sympathy for my own struggle. What bothers me is that when I tell people “my ADHD has been eroding our marriage” everyone seems to be low-key (or not so low-key) assuming that my partner must be overreacting because it can’t be THAT bad. They think I’m just a bit more chaotic than most people and my partner must be overly sensitive.
Not saying that it is the case here, but It is entirely possible for people to sympathize with your condition but still not being able to understand it because they have no point of reference. An example is the phrase “crippling pain.” Most people will think only of the somatic meaning of crippling, and think that because someone can still walk normally they’re not experiencing it. However, there’s also the psychological component: pain so persistent or insidious that it stops you from thinking straight. It affects your performance when you have a white collar job, it affects your mood, and it carries a lot of stigma and judgment because it’s not a visible disability. Heck, younger me was guilty of such preconceptions too. It didn’t mean that I didn’t care, but I had no way to mentally frame it within my own experiences. I still don’t, exactly, but I’m able to extrapolate the scale from other experiences. In other words, I kind of understand now to a degree that I can avoid sounding condescending when trying to be sympathetic.
Again, I’m not saying that it applies in your case - I only have a couple of paragraphs from your post to go by. I’m only trying to convey that there is a difference between understanding and sympathy, and in many cases it takes education for someone who doesn’t experience ADHD to understand it. Sometimes it’s a futile exercise, yes, but in the cases where you can get through you’ll form a much stronger bond.
Thank you for your replying <3
After reading the comments I went back and read my post and realized I didn’t get my point across. The thing that bothers me isn’t that I don’t get enough sympathy for my own struggle. What bothers me is that when I tell people “my ADHD has been eroding our marriage” everyone seems to be low-key (or not so low-key) assuming that my partner must be overreacting because it can’t be THAT bad. They think I’m just a bit more chaotic than most people and my partner must be overly sensitive.
